I’ve been tossing around the idea of starting a blog for quite some time now. I think it is fear that has been holding me back. The fear that people will not find what I have to say interesting… and the fear that their opinions might actually be a reflection of who I am as a person, or who I am not. Then there is the fear that people WILL get something from it… it is exhausting to think about all of that, so this is me FINALLY JUST DOING IT.
I have struggled with fearing both success and failure my entire life. It has caused me severe anxiety at times and made me miss out on great opportunities. About two years ago I made a decision. I decided to step out of my comfort zone and begin to do things that I knew would make me feel afraid. Not rebellious things, but experiences that would be good for me. This was not only for myself, but because I felt that God had placed gifts within me that could be used for His glory and I was wasting those gifts since I couldn’t step out of my fear long enough to apply any of it.
So I signed up for an Inflatable 5k Run and completed it with a good friend of mine. I visited a church I had been wanting to go to for a long time, which has been my home church for over a year now. I started being intentional about reaching out and making new friends who weren’t already connected to my husband or my family (that was a big one for me!). I forgave people who did not deserve it by the world’s standards, and I forgave myself for so many things in the process. I’ve witnessed the love of God to people who I didn’t know… and I’m learning that letting other people love me isn’t as scary as I thought it was.
When God pushed me to begin this process a couple years ago, I wasn’t sure what I would get out of it. I was hopeful that I would gain wisdom to become a good leader. I remember asking God to make me bold and fearless and full of love. Little did I know that those prayers would have such an impact on the perspective I am gaining now. I can see that it is not at all about me or how I feel or if I think I can accomplish something or not. It is all about Jesus. Jesus washed the disciples’ feet, even knowing that He would be betrayed. HE WASHED THEIR FEET. He was about to lay His life down for them and yet He took this moment to teach them what I think is one of the most important lessons in the Bible… the importance of being a servant. God spoke something to me a long time ago that stuck with me. He said, “The best teachers are those who never stop learning.” That was what I needed in that season. This season I hear Him even clearer than before saying, “The best leaders are those who never stop serving.” Serving is something I never really learned how to do. I’m not ashamed of that anymore. I just want to do what I can to make those changes in my life now. I will do my best to use this blog to share my thoughts, feelings, and hard lessons learned as I move forward.
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