You know those days when the second you wake up it’s like everything wants to go wrong?
Well, today has been one of those days for me. It’s been a day that has made me question everything I thought God told me to do for the past 5 years.
When I have a bad day or something goes wrong in my life, the first thing I do is second guess myself. I question if I really heard God on what led me to make certain decisions. It doesn’t help that there are people around me who become the voice of these doubts I have about myself. They question me on my decisions and tell me I was wrong in what I did with this or that – things that are petty and small, but feel so huge when someone throws it up in my face.
This is an area of insecurity for me. Probably one of the largest areas I struggle in. When I am 100% sure of something, I don’t have any problems. But if I have even a tiny bit of doubt inside of me, something small can set off feelings that I am not good enough or smart enough or close enough to God to make the right decision or have the right opinion.
Today, it was indicated to me in so many words that I am seen as lazy, selfish, inconsiderate, and disrespectful.
This hit a nerve, and it hurt. Because that used to be me. God changed me and is still changing me. But when I am in the middle of doing everything I can to better myself, it is not the time to imply that I haven’t made any progress.
God was taking me through this pain and talking me down. I was toggling between anger and sadness (which really are the same thing, but that is a whole sermon and we aren’t going there today), neither of which I express well. I just get chatty and confused. I try to take it straight to God now so I don’t confuse or overwhelm anyone else.
Then it hit me how much this one moment on this one day was affecting me.
Was I really letting this one situation take over every other thing God had planned for me today?
I wanted to turn my thoughts around. I started thinking about how awful it must be to go through something like this without God there to reveal truth. And how it is usually those people who are hurting so bad that they feel the need to make someone else feel bad, too. Misery loves company.
I remember a time in my life when my pain got pushed onto others. I was mean. I didn’t feel bad about it because all I thought about was myself and how things affected me, and how much I hurt. I’ve come to the conclusion that I did this because my emotional needs weren’t being met by people or by the empty hole in my heart where God should’ve been. So I spent all my energy trying to meet those needs myself. Which sadly turned into some weird form of bullying for a season.
As I reflected on this, I started to feel so bad for these people. They are in pain. Pain that I can’t fix. Only God can heal it. I’ve tried to show them who God is and they haven’t received it yet. But I can’t let them take me down with them. I must love them where they are at. I’ll keep boundaries in place, but I can still love them without letting them affect me so negatively.
Thankfully, this day is turning around. Not because of me or anyone else. It’s because I went to God. When we don’t go to God with our wounds, they won’t heal. No lie in your heart can be fully uprooted unless you have a truth to plant in its place. Always seek truth.
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