I’m sitting here alone on a Friday night, with the exception of my dogs being by my side.
I’ve been sick all week with a cold. Because of this, I couldn’t join my husband at the fellowship hangout our young adults group is having tonight. I don’t like to go out while dealing with that groggy feeling medicine gives me, or spreading my sick germs all around to the church.
I also don’t like missing out on spending time with my friends. But this time alone helps me think.
There are those times in life when everything is going so fast and I forget to slow down for a moment and talk to God. I think about Him in everything I do, but I don’t always talk TO Him.
And really there is so much to talk to Him about. As much as I know He is not the one who made me sick this week, I do believe He is using it to encourage me stop and appreciate what I have and what He is doing in me.
He has been teaching me to loosen my grip and let go of my need to feel in control of everything. So many things were out of my control all the way up through my teen years. The beginning of my college years and my relationship with my husband revealed this problem. I’ve been reflecting on how much this still affects me. I’ve been set up in a situation by God where I have to let go of the steering wheel and realize I won’t get to God’s destination for me with my own hands because I don’t even know where I’m going most of the time.
Even something as small as being stuck at home tonight makes me feel out of control. I want to feel better. I don’t want to miss out. I don’t want people to judge me for not being there (which wouldn’t happen anyway because they are all so nice). Instead of resting in the joy of the Lord I end up focusing on what I can’t control.
This happens every single time anything happens in my life. I over-analyze things and criticize myself and try to fix whatever I can about the situation. It never works though.
I know this, but I keep doing it. I definitely understand what Paul meant when he said, “I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate” (Romans 7:15 NLT).
I am going to do my best to let God fully take over in this area of my life. I’m tired of laying it down at His feet and then picking it back up again. I am determined to do better in this. I want to do it for myself and my husband, but also for the sake of whatever it is God wants me to do in my life since I can’t get there on my own. The Lord knows my husband has put up with me through it all. I love him for it! God gave me a good man and I want to be more trusting of them both.
Feel free to ask me questions about my testimony, marriage, church life, etc. I may address it in my next post!
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