I’m trying my best to be honest with myself and everyone else in this post.
I haven’t been posting at all lately because I haven’t been able to fully accept what’s been going on with me. I don’t know where I picked up the bad habit of hiding certain feelings and being painfully direct with others…
Let’s just say my husband is great. (Thank ya, Jesus!)
As of late, I have been in some hardcore battles. Some of it is circumstantial. Most of it is mental. It is like everything I’ve learned about God’s nature and how to deal with life goes completely out the window just long enough for me to have a mini breakdown.
Does anyone else experience this???
Yes, I had a small breakdown this week. Not at the “I need to go to the hospital” point. But I was overwhelmed, tired, and hurting in so many ways. I just had to take some time to cry.
There have been so many words spoken over my life and confirmation that I am where I am supposed to be. But I keep having this nagging feeling that I am not doing enough and that I’m letting people down. I thought I had defeated this junk in my life but it has been coming back with a vengeance.
I don’t want to say that I’ve been depressed, because I have been there and this doesn’t feel quite like that. I do think that this has to do with some level of perfectionism in me that I did not realize was there.
I mean, I knew it was there. But not in this way.
When I’m already going through something like this on the inside of myself, adding external problems to the mix does not make it any better. It makes me feel totally out of control. This terrifies that perfectionist side of me.
I’ve actually gotten to the point where I don’t even like it when people pray or prophesy good things over me because right after they do I’m thrown into the completely opposite situation from what they prayed. It makes me feel like I did something wrong. Then I feel like I’m wearing these thoughts and feelings on my sleeve for everyone to see (which usually isn’t true).
This is probably God building my character and teaching me something. But right now all I feel is pain when it happens. That is my fault for not looking at it right. Because of course I appreciate the words and prayers!
The difference between this time and last time is that I can feel the peace of the Holy Spirit trying to shine through this. In the past, I couldn’t see anything God was doing so I would just sink deeper and deeper. Although my flesh wants to sink this time, I feel God catching me. It hurts, but I can see that it will not last forever.
That is how it works after all. We aren’t supposed to fully know the “who, what, when, where, how” of things while it is happening. If we knew all that up front then we wouldn’t learn whatever it is we need to learn.
The pain is real y’all.
But I’m keeping my eyes on the promises. Some of these promises are so close. I just know it.
I’m not giving up this time. There is too much to lose by giving up and too much to gain by keeping on!
God is still doing so many good things. My prayer today is that my focus does not get shifted from what is most important!
Jeremiah 29:10-14 NLT
This is what the Lord says: “You will be in Babylon for seventy years. But then I will come and do for you all the good things I have promised, and I will bring you home again. For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,” says the Lord. “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.”
Follow me on Facebook: Pursuit and Perspective