I love it when I talk to God about something, not thinking it’s a big deal to Him or anyone else, then He proves me wrong.
Well, I actually hate being proved wrong (it’s a problem I’m working through). But when God does it, it brings healing and freedom.
You see, He has consistently been sending answers to my prayers lately. He always listens to me. We converse all the time. But, like everyone else, there are those things that I bring up to Him that I feel like get shelved and not addressed for a long time.
God is great like that. There are some things that we need immediately and other things that need to wait for the right moment to be responded to. A moment that only He can see is right.
For a while now, I have been praying for God to open doors in my life to stronger relationships, possibly a mentorship (if He thinks it’s necessary), and for me to develop the humility to be vulnerable enough to get close to the people He sends my way. (You can see some of this in my previous posts.)
I felt like none of this was getting a response from Him. My most heartfelt and painful prayers are about this, and I always get silence.
I hate to admit it, but it was effecting my ability to fully give myself to worshipping Him and serving Him. I’m still learning to do those things even when I don’t get what I want because He knows best.
About two weeks ago, I started seeing a shift. I was asked to spend a little quality time (my love language) with a friend. This turned into a conversation that helped me deeply and made realize I am not so alone in some of the things I’ve been going through. It encouraged me to keep my head up and hold out hope that God will do a work in me and in those around me.
This was an answer to prayer and I didn’t have to do anything accept show up when God gave me the opportunity.
Then this past week, I got a call from another friend inviting me to go on a trip over the weekend to the Awake Deborah Conference at Church of His Presence in Daphne, Alabama. I said yes again… man, I am on a roll! I’m not the most spontaneous person in the world. So having less than a week’s notice on this and still deciding to go was a huge step for me.
I knew at the time of the invite that this was another answer to prayer. I didn’t know exactly how yet, but I could feel it. There was expectation filling my spirit. But I was afraid.
I was afraid of staying with other women and being rejected. I was afraid the trip wouldn’t meet my expectations. I was afraid I might show a side of myself that isn’t always so pretty and sweet. I was afraid that somehow I would let these women and God down.
All kinds of thoughts were running through my head, but I went anyway because I wanted the breakthrough.
My final prayer before I left for the trip was that God would use the trip as a stepping stone in my process of learning to be vulnerable.
He responded alright…
I made a point to open up and talk to the girls for the first two days and it was fun. Some of the main talking points of the conference were about the depth of the relationship of the five women who led it. This was an example that I needed to see to prepare me for what I didn’t know was coming.
Then it happened…. I got miserably sick on the third day. Which was the last day of the conference. I’ve never been sick like that in front of anyone except my parents, my cousin (who is more like a sister), and my husband. How much more vulnerable can you get than vomiting in front of people you are still getting to know…
Talk about humbling.
I couldn’t go to the conference the last day and I was sad about that. But I couldn’t help but laugh about it. Although I do not believe God made me sick, I do believe that He used the situation to show me how much these ladies cared for me. He reminded me that He can bring joy and love into any situation. He showed me it is okay to be vulnerable and it is okay to let others help me. I don’t have to do everything myself and I don’t have to be perfect. When I try to do everything myself, there is no need for other people in my life. Serving each other and loving each other through the not so easy moments is what strengthens true relationships.
I’m in awe of how creative God is with His responses to our prayers. He takes His time to write a story and is patient with us as He watches it play out through our various choices and missteps along the way, even though He already knows the ending. How beautiful that is!
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