I’m scared to be good at something. To be the center of attention.
I know that there are things that I am good at. I’m the kind of person who will work hard at something until the task is complete, and I only consider it complete once it meets my standard of perfection.
But I stopped letting myself be good at things I actually enjoy.
I’m good at cleaning and organizing. I’m a good cook (I kind of enjoy this only when I can get creative). I know how to write and I know how to study. And my dad always says I am mechanically inclined for a girl.
I took a step back and saw that I haven’t let myself be good at things that God gave me a healthy desire for. I’m afraid of public speaking even though I used to be great at it and want to be able to speak to groups of young women one day. I don’t read as much as I want to. I gave up practicing singing, in part because of the fear of being in front of people. I gave up art in junior high after bringing too much attention to myself.
The art thing is actually what made me see how bad this problem is. I have been dying to paint for the past few months even though I have never painted in my life, aside from those cheap watercolors I played with as a child. I used to draw, but it was so long ago that I wouldn’t know where to start. I figured that if I felt this strongly to do something I’ve never done, then maybe it was God. I finally saved enough money to buy myself some brushes and acrylic paints just to see if I could do it. My husband was supportive of me as always. He had never seen me do any kind of artwork during the 6 years I’ve known him.
A couple of days ago, he was gone for a few hours in the evening and I decided to paint something for him. I didn’t know what it would be until I started painting. I just knew my first painting would be for him since he sticks with me through everything. I spent 2 hours painting nonstop, and it actually looked good! He came home and was genuinely surprised about how well it turned out. He told me that although he knew I would do well, He thought he would have to compliment me on my potential rather than the painting itself (oh, how I love him, haha!). He was excited for me and continued to tell me how great it was.
I told my dad about it the next day and he said, “I’m not surprised. You were always a talented artist as a child”. He didn’t say it in that way that parents do when they think you are good at everything you touch. He was serious. And I could have cried.
I’ve spent the last couple of days thinking about this and how it made me feel. I haven’t let myself be good at something, enjoy it, and let people compliment me on it in ages. I don’t need people to tell me how wonderful I am all the time. But I do believe encouragement is necessary to keep a person’s hope alive and to succeed. This little bit of encouragement made me see that I need to start pursuing the things God gave me creative intelligence in. This blog is one of those things!
Everything will all have its own timing, but I’m tired of putting off things I could enjoy because I am afraid to succeed.
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