There is a longing within me for closeness. For more of a connection in some way.
I can’t live without quality time with people. It’s my “love language”. I love deep conversations and one-on-one time.
That being said, I have been in thought about mentorship.
I’ve never had a mentor. Maybe I’ve had opportunities to have this and missed it. I don’t know. But I never felt like God said “that is the one you learn from” about any woman in my life up to this point. I’ve never had someone express to me that they wanted to be that to me either.
Our church is great about mentorship. People, young and old, all have these connections. Someone they pour into, and someone who pours into them. My whole life I’ve felt like I’ve been pouring out of myself and not filling back up all the way. I want this to change for me.
I mostly just have a few friends and many aquaintances. I am not the type of girl who meets someone and within one month I’m best friends with them. All of the people I consider to be close friends have been in my life for at least 12 years, and I’m on 24. I’m beginning to see how much of an onion I am. It apparently takes me forever to open up. I thought I was more of an open book than that.
Man… these realizations have been hitting me hard this week.
Something happened yesterday that triggered an extreme emotional response in me. I won’t go into detail about it. But I felt inadequate, selfish, and afraid as a result of it. And it wasn’t really even about me AT ALL. Then I got furious with myself for feeling all of that because there was no bad intent amongst the people involved.
I was seeing how those ugly feelings were hiding deep in my heart, and in one split second it all came rushing out in waves of pain.
I was upset for hours after. So much that I was mid-conversation with someone about something totally different and good and I would just start to cry. I felt like I was about to break.
Through this, God revealed to me how much of my value I am still hanging on the way I am connected to people and if they need me or not. There’s a fear there that if they don’t need me then they must not want me either.
I think that is why having a mentor is such a beautiful thing. This person accepts the challenge of loving you, teaching you, and wading through all your junk, just to help you get healing and grow into a better person. They need nothing back from you except for you to be receptive to what they say.
My prayer today is that God will show me who I should give my time to, and that the fear of not being needed will fall off of me. I want to have connections with purpose and love at the core.
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